What will your life be like?  What do you tell your children? What is positive parenting and what is negative parenting?

Co-Parenting

At Separation

Once couples have decided to separate or divorce, it is important to focus on the children and their future. If there are children included, parents must figure out their roles, apart from their partner. Each parent has to find a new identity as a single parent and find a new way to relate to the other parent.

Cooperation should be the main goal. Regardless if their relationship has deteriorated to a point where they do not share the same values, points of view or even the ability to see the an issue from the other’s point of view, co-parenting is possible. If both parents agree on a few basic values and parenting strategies in the best interests of their children, an amicable co-parenting relationship can be achieved.

Maki Mediation promotes co-parenting and cooperation. Litigation dwindles family resources, and sabotages relationships by causing resentment and hostility. With mediation, there should be an atmosphere which promotes cooperation so that you can define new roles as co-parents. Maki Mediators will help you improve your communication skills as you work together with each other.

Speaking To Your Children

This can be the most difficult issue that separating and/or divorcing couples face, “How do we tell our children?” It is difficult, but it is very important and necessary. Take this opportunity to use your new roles and show your children that even though you are no longer together, you are still parenting together.

Agree on what is going to be said

All children will ask questions. Some will ask right away and some will not ask for months or years, but they are all trying to figure out why. Avoid giving adult details, keep the information basic. Older children may ask more detailed questions. The parents should decide what will be mutually shared with children. A shared explanation shows the children that while the family structure is changing, the lives and position will remain secure. It also shows that the parents are looking out for the best interests of children.

Regardless of a child’s age, the need to understand one story is essential. A mutual story protects the children from making assumptions and choosing between their parents or blaming themselves. Forcing children to choose because of different stories is to force them to choose a parent. This conflicts the children and is against a child’s desire to love each parent and can cause turmoil within the child.

If you are concerned about what is the best approach for your family, seek the assistance from a mental health practioner. 

Be Honest

Start the conversation together with your child(ren) and being clear and straightforward that you are separating/divorcing. Be clear that, as adults, you are responsible for the divorce and your child(ren) had no part in the divorce.

Children differ in their perceptiveness. One child in a family may have no idea that there were issues and another child in the same family may say that they knew it was going to happen eventually. Regardless of the surprise or lack of surprise, children that are provided with the information by both parents in a cooperative environment, may be comfortable asking questions and expressing their feelings.

Other Suggestions:

· Provide only a basic statement of the reasons for your separation.  The children don't need to hear a play by play of all of the events.

· Acknowledge that your children’s reactions and feelings to the news are natural and it is alright for them to express their emotions

· Try to keep the child(ren)’s normal routine as much as possible · Avoid comments such as “He (or ‘She’) left us”! You nor your co-parent is not leaving your child(ren). This language can increase a child’s sense of loss.

· Talk with your children in a location that is comfortable for them and allow plenty of time for the children to ask questions.

· Be sure to emphasize to your children, that the divorce is an adult decision and is not their fault.

· Reassure children that they are loved by both parents, and both parents will be involved in their lives.

· Avoid saying "We don't love each other anymore." Children may hear this and feel they're not loved anymore.

Parenting After Divorce

Decisions that are made in your parenting have an enormous impact of your child(ren)’s adjustment to the losses they may experience during your separation/divorce.

Good Strategies

· Listen to your children and nurture an independent and empathic relationship with each of them

· Continue to hold reasonable expectations for their child(ren), regardless of the circumstances

· Use positive strategies for setting limits and imposing appropriate discipline that are similar in both households

· Fully support their child(ren)’s relationships with the other parent · shield their children from their parental disagreements and resentments

Positive Parenting

· Do make sure that your children feel loved, wanted and safe in your home.

· Do take an active role in developing a respectful approach to communicating with the other parent. Remember your goal is effective co-parenting over the long run, not “victory” in the short term.

· Do encourage regular contact between your children and the other parent.

· Do give the other parent “the benefit of the doubt” and a private opportunity to respond to troubling reports made by children. Children sometimes exaggerate, distort or even fabricate information. This behavior may be an effort to bond with the parent they are with at the time. And, children, even of intact families, may seek to manipulate parents to meet their own ends.

· Do get help for any mental health or substance abuse issues. The stress of divorce may increase these conditions.

· Do discuss scheduling conflict with the other parent as they arise. If scheduling conflicts persist and you remain at impasse, consider returning to mediation.

· Do remember that effective communication requires: listening, tolerance, honesty, consideration, empathy, and respect.

· Do “take care of yourself” during the separation/divorce. Be sure to devote some time to promote your health and sense of well-being.

· Do some reading and educate yourself on the special challenges of this period in your life.

Negative Parenting

· Don’t force your children to choose one parent over the other.

· Don’t play “the blame game” around your children.

· Don’t interrogate your children upon their return from the other parent’s home. Extensive questioning of children about their time with the other parent only makes children feel guilty about enjoying that time.

· Don’t allow your children to become your caretaker or confidant. Rely instead on your friends, adult family members and mental health professionals for your support. Managing your emotional or social adjustment to divorce is your responsibility as an adult. Your children should remain free to be children, and to concentrate on their friends, school work and activities.

· Don’t use your children as “messengers” between yourself and the other parent.

· Don’t put down, criticize or talk negatively about the other parent in front of your children.

· Don’t discuss the financial or legal details of your divorce with your children.